Day 30 and Day 31

Day 30, was a bit of a massive knob if I’m going to be honest about it. Things started off a teeny weeny bit badly when the boy baby woke up at 3.3o am and got into bed with me. The girl baby was already in there so it was a bit of a squeeze. This is because both of my babies like to sleep as demonstrated below;

bedtime

Even though the boy baby likes to come into the communal bed, he does not like to do any sleeping. What he likes to do is talk about all of the things loudly enough to make sure his sister wakes up. At 5am, we all made the sensible decision that we should get up and start the day. I was OK with this as it meant I could drink coffee and sit very still for a while whilst we all binge watched Topsy and ruddy Tim.

By 4pm we were all a bit tired, and everyone was quite cross. Also, I was feeling distinctly terribly ill. How could this possibly be so? I had had none of the lovely drinks for 30 days. My body is an actual sodding temple. I am practically re-born. Must have caught something from the germ ridden babies.

Because I was terribly ill, and because everyone was tired and HH had been home for approximately 38 seconds and I wanted to see (annoy) him, I decided that I was not going to go to slimming world. Because I am a strong confident woman who can make decisions like that. Except I cant, and once I had decided not to go my brain went all wrong.

Because I am crazy, I am the kind of person that needs to be doing all of the things in order to stay well. This means that if I do not do any one of the things I feel considerably worse quite quickly and thoughts like this happen in my brain;

“Urgghhh. I knew you would give up. You are so rubbish. You never stick at anything. You give up. You are a looser. you look like a potato. You have probably put on 4 stone this week. No one will like you…” etc.

It’s OK though because that’s totally normal, and it’s all to do with recognised behaviours and foliage or something? My best friend the therapist and I have talked a lot about this and she explains it all super well. She says to imagine a field of really long grass , and that you want to cross from one side to the other. It’s a tricky journey and it takes a lot of effort to trample down all of the grass enough to make a path. Next time you need to cross, it is easy peasy because you can just bimble off down the same path again without even thinking. Apparently this is the same as thoughts in our brains. I instantly say mean things to myself because that’s what I’m used to doing and it’s easy.  But I’m trying super hard to make new paths. so I’m trying to think more like this;

“Well done for making the best decision for you all tonight. Its totally cool to be tired and not feel like going out. You are ace at being kind to yourself. Also, you don’t always look like a potato…only when you are tired and that’s just fine”

…..

Today is super exciting because it is the last day of the first month of not drinking any of the lovely drinks. 31 whole days of teetotal tremendousness.

I had an appointment with my best friend the therapist today, and she started by making me feel a teeny weeny bit cross by implying that I may find it more difficult once other people finish dry January and then go back to normal. The reason this made me cross is because I had not thought of it, and normally I like to think of things that make me sound like more of a hero. It’s completely fine though, because none of my friends really did dry January, and if they did I haven’t been around to see it so am totes used to them all drinking all of the lovely wine all of the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am doing therapy right because I mostly enjoy it. But today I realised I am, because I did a big massive cry. Which seems much more normal.

The reason I did a big cry is because we talked about someone who used to be in my life, who was actually just a dreadful person. I don’t generally like to think that some people are just bad, but this one was. I also don’t like to blame all of my mental on things that have happened in the past. So I’m totally not going to do that. But what I will say is this.

Being made to feel like you are not good enough, is really rubbish. But children totally believe that stuff. This is because children are ace, and they are full of trust. Today I felt super sad for the little girl who was told that her body made her unattractive. That this little girl didn’t realise that she was actually pretty ace and that who she was in her heart was totally beautiful. I feel like giving her a big massive hug and telling her that it all works out OK, and that as an adult (ish) she’s pretty blimmin happy (mental, but happy).

Today I am grateful for the following *;

1 – Sleepy baby cuddles

2 – Nail varnish remover

3 – Fizzy water

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

 

 

Day 29

I have always loved the idea of having a house full of lovely people. I wanted friends, and family and babies and friends of babies, to pile in and for there to be chaos and laughter and love.

Even though I have always wanted this, I have been too much of a mental person to ever allow myself to let it happen. The reasons for this are as follows;

  1.  My house is a mess. Everyone will see all of the mess in all of the places and think I am awful.
  2.  I don’t have matching hand towels.
  3.  There are never any hand towels, matching or otherwise, in the bathrooms.
  4.  Everywhere always needs hoovering.
  5. The sofa needs to be chemically destroyed.
  6.  I need to provide healthy organic snacks for parents and babies.
  7. The toys are disorganised.
  8. The toys will be more disorganised.
  9.  I don’t really want to wear make up.
  10.  The babies aren’t wearing nice clothes.
  11. I’m not wearing nice clothes.
  12. I don’t have any nice clothes.
  13. I don’t have enough matching mugs.

My brain finds all of these things exhausting, so when people do come over I tend to turn into a horrible goblin with a very full head and no idea where to start.

Today though, we have had a house full. And it has been wonderful. I did not spend all of my time doing all of the things I think I should do. Because frankly, Im exhausted by the pressure of it, and I  figured actually no one really cares. And if they do, they probably wont tell me so I can live in total ignorance which I am ace at.

All of the babies had so much fun playing, and the parents had so much fun watching them play and drinking coffee that we were almost beside ourselves. They drank juice, and ate sweets and ran around until they were almost sick, And it was great. And because we were all having so much fun, and I did not want to cook a wholesome dinner with Kale, we got them Macdonalds. Which they ate on the sofa in front of the tv. It was super self indulgent and I cant wait to do it again.

image

Sunday nights are generally a bit tricky because HH is always at work, so it would be the perfect opportunity to drink lovely wine. I think I may have mentioned once or twice that I do not like to miss opportunities to drink all of the lovely drinks, so this is a challenge. The way that I am able to overcome this challenge, is to not leave the house. It was far too rainy to go out today anyway, and sadly the Macdonalds drive through doesn’t sell McMerlot, so that all worked out quite well.

Today I am grateful for the following;

1 – Friendship (I say this one a lot, but its so true. Where would we be without friends?)

2 – Macdonalds drive through

3 – The girl baby sleeping in my bed

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

 

 

Day 28

This evening I am being very important. I am being very important because I am babysitting for my lovely friends lovely babies. These are actual babies that are not my own. One is a boy who is 4, and the other is a girl who is 9 months.

The boy one has been teaching me loads of stuff about “Rescuebots” and also that chocolate biscuits are ace (totes already knew that). He was also super understanding when I had to read his bedtime story in the manner of an illiterate blind person because I couldn’t see the teeny tiny writing, even with my glasses on.

Then the cool little dude went to actual sleep. Because I am awesome at being a babysitter.

The girl one wasn’t so keen on going to bed just then, but we had lots of really great fun watching “dinner date”, and taking about recipies before she got a teeny weeny bit bored of that and fell asleep in my arms. Like an angel.

I absolutely love cuddling babies. And because I’m all squashy, I am ace at it. What I am not so ace at, and completely out of practice in is the, what I like to call, armstocottransfer.

Splendid, I thought to myself in my brain. This beautiful angel child has fallen asleep in my arms. Now I will put her to bed for a restful slumber.

Thought 2 – It’s actually quite tricky to get off the sofa though. Oh, done it….rock rock rock…phew she’s still sleeping.

Thought 3 – ha, we are upstairs in her room. Carried a sleeping baby upstairs, she’s still sleeping. I’m superhuman. I can do all of the things.

Thought 4 – hmmmmm. I will just veeery gently pop her…

Thought 5 – shit shit shit…rock rock rock. Asleep.

Thought 6 – right, man up Harris. Gently gently, shhhhh….

Thought 7 – this is not going the way I planned. Rock rock rock. Nawwww she’s so sweet.

Thought 8 – ok so this time, we will rock and bend, move towards the cot. We will make no sudden movements.

Thought 9 – I am half in the actual cot. But it’s all ok because she is still fast asleep.

Thought 10 – remove one arm.

Thought 11 – remove other arm.

Thought 12 – mission complete. Huzzahhhh!

I feel like I might text HH and tell him I want another baby.

Today I am grateful for the following *;

1 – the universal language of biscuits

2 – having a lovely dinner cooked for us by Mother Harris

3 – recordable tv

*it is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

Day 27

We are fortunate to have, what I like to call a playroom. It would be very easy to confuse the playroom with the scene of a very violent murderous crime. This is because it mostly looks like this;

image

What is great about having a playroom is that there is an actual room for all of the toy crap, that has a door which can be all lovely and shut.

Every once in a while I realise I am a disgusting human and that we cannot possibly live in a house with a playroom that looks this way, even if the door is shut. It is at this point that I like to buy lots of storage boxes. Once I have bought lots of storage boxes, I like to tell HH that the playroom will never ever look like that again because of all of the lovely boxes for all of the toys. He does not believe me.

After everything has been reorganised and stored away neatly, I then like to gently explain to the babies that we will be getting one box out at a time from now on. I also like to add, because I am really stupid, that no more boxes are coming out until the first is cleared up. The babies do not believe me.

One day later, I do not remember which box is for play food and which box is for lego. I feel like I might have had a small stroke. When the babies are in bed, HH spends 3 minutes tidying by chucking all of the things at box shaped objects. I have a lie down. The End.

Anyway, I do not care any more about playrooms and storage boxes, because it is Friday night and Friday nights are for doing exciting things. When I suggested to HH earlier in the week that we should go on a date to the cinema sometime, he was super happy about it. Because I am not one to procrastinate I casually asked him earlier today if I should try and get a babysitter so that we could go tonight. Because it is Friday night.

Aghast, he responded;

HH – “Tonight?!!!”

Me – “Yes tonight, wont that be lovely?”

HH – (utterly horrified)

Me – “I thought you said it would be nice to go to the cinema sometime?”

HH -“Yes! sometime. Not tonight. Tonight I want to sit in my chair.

Me – “Right”

I am actually fine with staying in tonight as I am super tired today. Both of the babies were awake a bit in the night, the girl one particularly. They were doing my favourite thing which is moaning without providing any reason or being accepting of any suggestions to make it better. I am very much hoping that they do not do that tonight or I might have to do a massive big cry.

There’s a teeny weeny part of me that is a little perplexed that I feel so tired. This is because I was of the understanding that not drinking any of the lovely drinks would make me feel like a goddess. Admittedly, I don’t feel as mental which is ace, but I am still really tired. I did wonder if maybe I could do some exercise to give me some more energy. Then I thought in my brain that that was a bit ridiculous.

I’m going to be really strict next week and have lots of lovely early nights instead of watching Geordie Shore re-runs.Then I will most definitely hop out of bed in the morning to do all of the things before the babies wake up. If I can do that, my whole life will be brilliant and I will have loads more time to dedicate to important things like drinking coffee and thinking all of my thoughts.

Today I am grateful for the following*;

1 – A warm home

2 – Living next door to a pharmacy

3 – “Frozen” plasters

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

 

Day 26

Today a lovely friend came to visit. this was a very special occasion for the following reasons;

1 – My lovely friends husband was at home looking after their babies.

2 – My lovely HH was at home watching ours

3 – We did not have to look after any babies

4 – We could have actual discussions and drink coffee

5 -We could make lots of brilliant plans to do things that we will never do

It is on occasions like this, I find myself wanting to say “Ohhhh lets have some lovely wine”, because it feels like an excellent opportunity. Also, spontaneous wine is the total best. However, as I am not drinking any of the lovely drinks we did not do this, because we have loads of the brilliant will power that I don’t believe in.

I feel like now an excellent opportunity has passed and that I have missed out on something. I hate missing out on stuff. But I know that’s a teeny weeny bit silly as I’m sure that if I learn to drink again without being a massive knob, another chance like that will come in about a billion years. So that is fine.

One of the things we have planned to do, is start an introduction to yoga and meditation course. I am super excited about this because I love to learn new stuff and feel like there might be quite a bit of lying about involved. There are so many different evening courses around, you can literally learn to do all of the things. The world is awesome.

The boy baby also tested my not drinking lovely drinks resolve tonight, as he had made the decision that he did not, under any circumstances want to go to bed. Because I am horrible goblin Mummy I may have implied that it was ruddy well tough luck, because Mummy wants to sit still and watch rubbish tv……So he screamed for Daddy, who obviously made it all better because he is a hero.

I hate it when I know I’ve been a bit hard on the babies, because it makes me feel all guilty and rubbish. To make this better, I totally over compensated with the girl one and played, what I like to call, “shouting out random letters at Mummy and asking her what it spells even though they never spell anything” for 100 hours. This is one of her most favourite games and often we learn lots of new words such as rdfgy, or kzqxxygd.

Today I am grateful for the following*;

1- Lovely people who buy me lunch

2 – Lovely husbands who look after babies

3 – Lovely plans to do lovely things

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

 

 

Day 25

It will very soon be my birthday. I absolutely love birthdays because they are all about me. This year will be a teeny weeny  bit different as it is unlikely I will make cocktails out of all of the drinks until I am sick from my own nose. This is because, I am not drinking any of the lovely drinks.

It is all fine though, because instead of being sick on myself, I am going to think of lots of other lovely things to do instead.

My birthday will be on a Sunday, and because life is a bit knobby sometimes, this is the only regular day of the week on which HH always works. Also, my parents are going to be on a cruise, which I have already told them is very selfish of them seeing as I will be 32 and they should absolutely be here to shower me with gifts. Luckily, I have 2 lovely sisters who are bound to want to spend this special day with me….Oh wait, no. The biggest little sister is going to a baby shower, and the littlest little sister has rehearsals for a show she is in. I am sure that all of the people have done this on purpose because they all hate me.

I don’t mind really, because I get to spend the day with my most bestest babies. so that will be super fun. I am going to think of lots of cool stuff for us to do, and it will be totally ace. I will also rope in lots of lovely friends to pay me attention.

The babies love birthdays too, they take after me in that way. I’m so pleased they are developing all of my most favourite qualities. The thing they love the most about birthdays is all of the cake. Again, this must be genetic. They especially like blowing out the candles and I have already promised them they can help me blow out mine. This means that I will need to buy myself a cake, light my own candles and lead a chorus of happy birthday to myself. Some people might think that’s a teeny weeny bit sad, but I think it is totally empowered and independent.

I’m also not in anyway bothered at all that I wont be getting a birthday present from HH,  as he bought me the retreat. Nope, not a little bit bothered at all because I’m super mature. I’m also a little bit sneaky and have mentioned once or twice that I’m sure the babies would like to have something to give to their Mummy on her birthday. I have asked for slippers as I really want some.

Anyway, I have loads of lovely things planned for February to take my mind off drinking lovely drinks to celebrate my birthday. One of the things I am super excited about is going to the cinema with HH. I even called it a date, which he implied made it less appealing but I think deep down he’s already planning what to wear to impress me.

Today I am grateful for the following*

1 – comfy shoes

2 – pyjamas

3 – blankets

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

 

 

Day 24

Today I have been to see my best friend the therapist and we talked about behaviours. It would seem that I display a number of behaviours that mean I am actually quite mental, but it’s totally cool because we can work on these, and I know we will because my best friend the therapist is super clever.

When I was poorly, I didn’t really want to talk about things like behaviours and what they may or may not mean. This is because I could not fit any more things into my brain. A lot of my therapy sessions during that time were raw and painful and mostly me crying about how desperate I felt to see the joy in life again. This was, what I like to call, the “ruddy awful phase”.

In the ruddy awful phase, everything is really quite tricky. For me, this was because I felt so desperately sad. This is not a nice way to feel and even existing is a challenge. The ruddy awful phase is not a time to be discussing complex emotional behaviours.

Next comes the “not quite so ruddy awful but still awful, phase”. This was when I stopped crying all of the time, and felt a bit buzzy and numb. This may have been because of the lovely drugs. But I think it was probably because my actual brain exploded.

During the not quite so ruddy awful but still awful phase, was when I actually accepted I was poorly. And that I needed to rest. And that I needed help. And that even though I was totally mental, most people would still like me a bit. This phase lasted quite a while, and now feels a bit blurred to me as I don’t think I was totally present for a lot of it.

Next came, what I like to call the “Oh. Ok. Phase”. The Oh.Ok. phase was when I felt a glimmer of hope that I might actually survive this and that there might be some happiness somewhere. By now, the lovely drugs were starting to take effect. I was having regular therapy, and had a whole a bunch or super awesome people holding me up.

I remember the first day I felt a glimmer of excitement for the future again. I was beside myself. I was cured!! I then had the worst day in a long time and wondered what the actual point in my whole life was. It was up and down, you could say.

Anyway, I now consider myself to be in the “really ruddy thankful phase”. This is because I am thankful every single day that I get to feel happy. I’m super thankful that I am excited about life and that I feel worthy of it. And most of all of the things, I am happy to be a Mummy.

The downside to all this cheer is that I now have to do some actual work on my brain to help limit the chance of my entering the first phase again. I don’t really like to do work on things, but I do like to talk about myself a lot so I think it will be ok. Also, I’m totally ahead of myself as I have already recognised that I have a teeny weeny little behaviour that means I like to drink too many lovely drinks. If my best friend the therapist had gold stars I know she would give me one for being so self-aware.

This evening I got to go to the theatre. I was invited along by my lovely friend whose team had got some tickets from an advertising company. This is became their job is very busy and important. I was super happy to be invited, and I absolutely love the theatre. This is because it encompasses some of my most favourite things that are not lovely red wine.

1 – Lots of loud over the top singing.

2 – Lots of loud over the top talking

3 – Lots of loud over the top excitement

4 – Sitting still

5 – Not doing bed time (sorry HH).

We saw Mama Mia. I’m not keen on ABBA as I find them a bit shiny. But man, they’ve done some great songs that are totally made for the theatre. I think that most people are born knowing ABBA songs in their brains in the same way we are born knowing that food is awesome.

Today I am greatful for the following*

1 – Unexpected theatre trips

2 – Lovely thoughtful friends

3 – Noodles

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.