Day 30, was a bit of a massive knob if I’m going to be honest about it. Things started off a teeny weeny bit badly when the boy baby woke up at 3.3o am and got into bed with me. The girl baby was already in there so it was a bit of a squeeze. This is because both of my babies like to sleep as demonstrated below;
Even though the boy baby likes to come into the communal bed, he does not like to do any sleeping. What he likes to do is talk about all of the things loudly enough to make sure his sister wakes up. At 5am, we all made the sensible decision that we should get up and start the day. I was OK with this as it meant I could drink coffee and sit very still for a while whilst we all binge watched Topsy and ruddy Tim.
By 4pm we were all a bit tired, and everyone was quite cross. Also, I was feeling distinctly terribly ill. How could this possibly be so? I had had none of the lovely drinks for 30 days. My body is an actual sodding temple. I am practically re-born. Must have caught something from the germ ridden babies.
Because I was terribly ill, and because everyone was tired and HH had been home for approximately 38 seconds and I wanted to see (annoy) him, I decided that I was not going to go to slimming world. Because I am a strong confident woman who can make decisions like that. Except I cant, and once I had decided not to go my brain went all wrong.
Because I am crazy, I am the kind of person that needs to be doing all of the things in order to stay well. This means that if I do not do any one of the things I feel considerably worse quite quickly and thoughts like this happen in my brain;
“Urgghhh. I knew you would give up. You are so rubbish. You never stick at anything. You give up. You are a looser. you look like a potato. You have probably put on 4 stone this week. No one will like you…” etc.
It’s OK though because that’s totally normal, and it’s all to do with recognised behaviours and foliage or something? My best friend the therapist and I have talked a lot about this and she explains it all super well. She says to imagine a field of really long grass , and that you want to cross from one side to the other. It’s a tricky journey and it takes a lot of effort to trample down all of the grass enough to make a path. Next time you need to cross, it is easy peasy because you can just bimble off down the same path again without even thinking. Apparently this is the same as thoughts in our brains. I instantly say mean things to myself because that’s what I’m used to doing and it’s easy. But I’m trying super hard to make new paths. so I’m trying to think more like this;
“Well done for making the best decision for you all tonight. Its totally cool to be tired and not feel like going out. You are ace at being kind to yourself. Also, you don’t always look like a potato…only when you are tired and that’s just fine”
Today is super exciting because it is the last day of the first month of not drinking any of the lovely drinks. 31 whole days of teetotal tremendousness.
I had an appointment with my best friend the therapist today, and she started by making me feel a teeny weeny bit cross by implying that I may find it more difficult once other people finish dry January and then go back to normal. The reason this made me cross is because I had not thought of it, and normally I like to think of things that make me sound like more of a hero. It’s completely fine though, because none of my friends really did dry January, and if they did I haven’t been around to see it so am totes used to them all drinking all of the lovely wine all of the time.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am doing therapy right because I mostly enjoy it. But today I realised I am, because I did a big massive cry. Which seems much more normal.
The reason I did a big cry is because we talked about someone who used to be in my life, who was actually just a dreadful person. I don’t generally like to think that some people are just bad, but this one was. I also don’t like to blame all of my mental on things that have happened in the past. So I’m totally not going to do that. But what I will say is this.
Being made to feel like you are not good enough, is really rubbish. But children totally believe that stuff. This is because children are ace, and they are full of trust. Today I felt super sad for the little girl who was told that her body made her unattractive. That this little girl didn’t realise that she was actually pretty ace and that who she was in her heart was totally beautiful. I feel like giving her a big massive hug and telling her that it all works out OK, and that as an adult (ish) she’s pretty blimmin happy (mental, but happy).
Today I am grateful for the following *;
1 – Sleepy baby cuddles
2 – Nail varnish remover
3 – Fizzy water
*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.