A Very Poetic Poem of Poetry (for the wonderful people in my life)

I’m feeling pretty bad today, I’m feeling very sad

I’m crying all the ruddy time I’m really going mad

I don’t trust myself or what I think, I’m losing my actual mind

What I need, if its ok with you is patience and your time

And even though I hear you tell me I am not to blame

This tricky monster in my brain knows only how to shame

I feel like I might lose you if I carry on this way

Crying tears and disbelieving everything you say

But please, don’t give up on me, I’m still here, you’ll see

Underneath the swollen face and slightly broken spirit

Is that girl, who probably made you laugh, by being a total nit-wit.

Day 66

My doctor has called in sick, and is then on holiday for 2 weeks. This has made me sob uncontrollably for about one actual hour. It would have been more but my eyes swelled shut.

I am officially back in the dark depths of depression and I’m am super cross about it.

I haven’t written my blog for a couple of weeks now as I haven’t been able to gather any of my thoughts. I have been trying to concentrate solely on getting through each day making sure my babies are happy and have no idea that their Mummy is losing her shit. Again.

I am absolutely furious with myself, and with my mental brain for being this way. I absolutely know I have no control over being ill, but it’s still hard to accept that this could happen again and again and again.

I have felt myself going downhill for a few weeks and have been pretty open about it as most people now know all of the things about me. I talked with my lovely team of supporters over and over, was I getting poorly again? Was I just so scared of getting poorly again that I thought I was getting poorly? Was I in actual fact imagining the whole thing? Am I just dramatic? My head was a big scrambley mess of worry and all the while things were slowly slipping. The dull ache in the back of my head came back and my concentration plummeted. I felt exhausted and irritable and aggressive and furious, and then came the tears that wouldn’t stop. All of the time, for no real reason. I feel paralysed, and like I can’t breathe and all the while I despise myself for letting this happen.

This is because I have depression. And it’s awful. It lies and tricks you into thinking it’s all of your fault when actually there’s a big old chemical problem in your brain.

I keep telling myself that, and the wonderful wonderful people around me keep telling me that, and right now at this moment I know I have done nothing wrong. I am ill. But the tricky thing is that the blame doesn’t stay away for long and with it come some really harmful and frightening thoughts.

The absolutely awesome news is that I refuse to let it take over. I might feel like I’m drowning but I am asking for help all of the way. The other absolutely awesome news is that through all of this, I have not had any of the lovely delicious drinks to make it all go away. Which, I won’t lie, is super-duper appealing. But for some reason, and I have no idea what that is because I am literally the worst at sticking to anything, I am sticking with it. I need to believe I am doing everything I can to help myself as even I realise that lovely lovey drugs and my best friend the therapist can only do so much. I so desperately want to get better and stay better.

Last week I was signed off from work again. And I’m mortified about it as I am not a person that has to take time off from work. I had to have time off when I had my last mental breakdown but then I got a bit better and went back. That is that, all tied up in a convenient and neat little bow thank you very much. Being off again does not sit well with me. But I’m such a crying mental mess I would be of no use. I would also scare lots of people because my face is all swollen. I don’t know how long I will need to be off and I absolutely hate being in limbo and feeling like I am letting people down. But right now, I have to give every ounce of what little I have to give, to my family. And that is that.

Today I am spending my time waiting for an on call doctor to call me, and also I will be seeing my best friend the therapist so I am hoping that I will feel a little bit less cry-ey later. That would be nice, especially for HH as even though he is massively understanding and brilliant I have a teeny weeny suspicion that he was slightly taken aback by my devastation regarding my doctors absence. Also, I think he prefers my face when it’s a bit less swollen and red.

Today I am grateful for the following*;

1 – My family. Who are the best that there is.

2 – My friends. Who are the best that there is.

3 – 66 days without any lovely drinks. Ruddy go me! If nothing else…I’m going to do this! (I love you old friend wine)

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.