Day 66

My doctor has called in sick, and is then on holiday for 2 weeks. This has made me sob uncontrollably for about one actual hour. It would have been more but my eyes swelled shut.

I am officially back in the dark depths of depression and I’m am super cross about it.

I haven’t written my blog for a couple of weeks now as I haven’t been able to gather any of my thoughts. I have been trying to concentrate solely on getting through each day making sure my babies are happy and have no idea that their Mummy is losing her shit. Again.

I am absolutely furious with myself, and with my mental brain for being this way. I absolutely know I have no control over being ill, but it’s still hard to accept that this could happen again and again and again.

I have felt myself going downhill for a few weeks and have been pretty open about it as most people now know all of the things about me. I talked with my lovely team of supporters over and over, was I getting poorly again? Was I just so scared of getting poorly again that I thought I was getting poorly? Was I in actual fact imagining the whole thing? Am I just dramatic? My head was a big scrambley mess of worry and all the while things were slowly slipping. The dull ache in the back of my head came back and my concentration plummeted. I felt exhausted and irritable and aggressive and furious, and then came the tears that wouldn’t stop. All of the time, for no real reason. I feel paralysed, and like I can’t breathe and all the while I despise myself for letting this happen.

This is because I have depression. And it’s awful. It lies and tricks you into thinking it’s all of your fault when actually there’s a big old chemical problem in your brain.

I keep telling myself that, and the wonderful wonderful people around me keep telling me that, and right now at this moment I know I have done nothing wrong. I am ill. But the tricky thing is that the blame doesn’t stay away for long and with it come some really harmful and frightening thoughts.

The absolutely awesome news is that I refuse to let it take over. I might feel like I’m drowning but I am asking for help all of the way. The other absolutely awesome news is that through all of this, I have not had any of the lovely delicious drinks to make it all go away. Which, I won’t lie, is super-duper appealing. But for some reason, and I have no idea what that is because I am literally the worst at sticking to anything, I am sticking with it. I need to believe I am doing everything I can to help myself as even I realise that lovely lovey drugs and my best friend the therapist can only do so much. I so desperately want to get better and stay better.

Last week I was signed off from work again. And I’m mortified about it as I am not a person that has to take time off from work. I had to have time off when I had my last mental breakdown but then I got a bit better and went back. That is that, all tied up in a convenient and neat little bow thank you very much. Being off again does not sit well with me. But I’m such a crying mental mess I would be of no use. I would also scare lots of people because my face is all swollen. I don’t know how long I will need to be off and I absolutely hate being in limbo and feeling like I am letting people down. But right now, I have to give every ounce of what little I have to give, to my family. And that is that.

Today I am spending my time waiting for an on call doctor to call me, and also I will be seeing my best friend the therapist so I am hoping that I will feel a little bit less cry-ey later. That would be nice, especially for HH as even though he is massively understanding and brilliant I have a teeny weeny suspicion that he was slightly taken aback by my devastation regarding my doctors absence. Also, I think he prefers my face when it’s a bit less swollen and red.

Today I am grateful for the following*;

1 – My family. Who are the best that there is.

2 – My friends. Who are the best that there is.

3 – 66 days without any lovely drinks. Ruddy go me! If nothing else…I’m going to do this! (I love you old friend wine)

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

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