Day 204

It has been a whole 204 days since I made the monumentally ridiculous decision to stop drinking all of the lovely drinks. that’s loads of days. In amongst those 204 days there have been some super awesome drinking lovely drinks type opportunities which for some reason…still unbeknown to myself, I have not taken. The reason this is unbeknown to me is because, as I may have mentioned before, I am really rubbish at sticking to stuff. Especially when that involves not doing something I like. Like drinking lots of lovely drinks.

Anyway, the point is, I’m still here only ruddy well doing it! I haven’t felt much like writing about it until now….which is another excellent example of not sticking to stuff. and I was feeling a bit worried that anyone who has the odd little read of my blog might think that the silence had been bought on by the shame of necking pinot every night. But its not, I’m just a bit lazy. Huzzzahhhh!

Also, I am still a completely mad person with lots of lovely drugs and my best friend the therapist so not much has changed.

I actually don’t really miss drinking all of the lovely drinks any more. This fact makes me question everything about myself I know to be true….but I really don’t. I don’t think about it much anymore and if I am with people that are having a lovely drink I dont necessarily always want to harm them. This absolutely must be because I have grown as a person. Ace.

I do however, still miss having something to look forward too. And by something to look forward too I mean a bottle of lovely wine to make me feel better. The tiny weeny little problem with this is that I am yet to find a healthy yet fulfilling alternative..and thankfully my best friend the therapist has not suggested a bath again because she is a very astute person and has probably realised it was ridiculous.

So what I am doing is I’m eating. I’m eating and eating and eating…and what was a problem that was sidelined whilst I concentrated on being less mental, has now become an even bigger problem. For. Goodness. Sake.

Its all ok though as I am super determined that I am going to ask for all of the help I can take. I have already been to see my doctor, and have been referred to people who can help me figure out why I do what I do.

HH is now into his 9th week of his placement. It’s totally rubbish that he is away all week but I have found a new exciting programme to watch that he wouldn’t enjoy because it is not about war. Also, its about surgeons and I’ve watched it so much I could probably remove an appendix without too much trouble.

It can be tricky with HH being away, but luckily we have the weekends together as a family. The first thing HH and I like to do upon his return is annoy each other. Sometimes we wait until we get home and he makes an knobby Dietician innocent comment about what yogurts I have bought for the babies. But sometimes we really excel ourselves and manage to irrittate each other on the car ride home. Im not placing any blame at all…but it is usually because HH has come home with a new terrible ailment. This weeks was a bunion.

Because I am a loving  wife, I do of course want to know absolutely all of the information about said bunion. I will also gladly listen to all of the moaning about it. but occassionally, I do get a teeny weeny bit fed up and possibly say something along the lines of “shut about about your ruddy sodding foot you massive big baby”…or something. Which I think is perfectly understandable given the circumstances.

Today I am grateful for the following*;

1 – Having a HH that worries when I don’t answer a text

2 – Internet banking

3 – My whole ruddy family

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

A Very Poetic Poem of Poetry (for the wonderful people in my life)

I’m feeling pretty bad today, I’m feeling very sad

I’m crying all the ruddy time I’m really going mad

I don’t trust myself or what I think, I’m losing my actual mind

What I need, if its ok with you is patience and your time

And even though I hear you tell me I am not to blame

This tricky monster in my brain knows only how to shame

I feel like I might lose you if I carry on this way

Crying tears and disbelieving everything you say

But please, don’t give up on me, I’m still here, you’ll see

Underneath the swollen face and slightly broken spirit

Is that girl, who probably made you laugh, by being a total nit-wit.

Day 66

My doctor has called in sick, and is then on holiday for 2 weeks. This has made me sob uncontrollably for about one actual hour. It would have been more but my eyes swelled shut.

I am officially back in the dark depths of depression and I’m am super cross about it.

I haven’t written my blog for a couple of weeks now as I haven’t been able to gather any of my thoughts. I have been trying to concentrate solely on getting through each day making sure my babies are happy and have no idea that their Mummy is losing her shit. Again.

I am absolutely furious with myself, and with my mental brain for being this way. I absolutely know I have no control over being ill, but it’s still hard to accept that this could happen again and again and again.

I have felt myself going downhill for a few weeks and have been pretty open about it as most people now know all of the things about me. I talked with my lovely team of supporters over and over, was I getting poorly again? Was I just so scared of getting poorly again that I thought I was getting poorly? Was I in actual fact imagining the whole thing? Am I just dramatic? My head was a big scrambley mess of worry and all the while things were slowly slipping. The dull ache in the back of my head came back and my concentration plummeted. I felt exhausted and irritable and aggressive and furious, and then came the tears that wouldn’t stop. All of the time, for no real reason. I feel paralysed, and like I can’t breathe and all the while I despise myself for letting this happen.

This is because I have depression. And it’s awful. It lies and tricks you into thinking it’s all of your fault when actually there’s a big old chemical problem in your brain.

I keep telling myself that, and the wonderful wonderful people around me keep telling me that, and right now at this moment I know I have done nothing wrong. I am ill. But the tricky thing is that the blame doesn’t stay away for long and with it come some really harmful and frightening thoughts.

The absolutely awesome news is that I refuse to let it take over. I might feel like I’m drowning but I am asking for help all of the way. The other absolutely awesome news is that through all of this, I have not had any of the lovely delicious drinks to make it all go away. Which, I won’t lie, is super-duper appealing. But for some reason, and I have no idea what that is because I am literally the worst at sticking to anything, I am sticking with it. I need to believe I am doing everything I can to help myself as even I realise that lovely lovey drugs and my best friend the therapist can only do so much. I so desperately want to get better and stay better.

Last week I was signed off from work again. And I’m mortified about it as I am not a person that has to take time off from work. I had to have time off when I had my last mental breakdown but then I got a bit better and went back. That is that, all tied up in a convenient and neat little bow thank you very much. Being off again does not sit well with me. But I’m such a crying mental mess I would be of no use. I would also scare lots of people because my face is all swollen. I don’t know how long I will need to be off and I absolutely hate being in limbo and feeling like I am letting people down. But right now, I have to give every ounce of what little I have to give, to my family. And that is that.

Today I am spending my time waiting for an on call doctor to call me, and also I will be seeing my best friend the therapist so I am hoping that I will feel a little bit less cry-ey later. That would be nice, especially for HH as even though he is massively understanding and brilliant I have a teeny weeny suspicion that he was slightly taken aback by my devastation regarding my doctors absence. Also, I think he prefers my face when it’s a bit less swollen and red.

Today I am grateful for the following*;

1 – My family. Who are the best that there is.

2 – My friends. Who are the best that there is.

3 – 66 days without any lovely drinks. Ruddy go me! If nothing else…I’m going to do this! (I love you old friend wine)

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

Day 53

This morning HH and I passively aggressively argued about the car. It went a little something like this;

Me “Soooo, you will now have the car for three actual days?”

HH “Yes afraid so….I know it’s a bit rubbish”

Me (in a martyr-ey way) “*sigh*, I suppose I can’t go to my important appointment tomorrow now *sigh sigh sigh*”

HH “Yes you can, get the bus”

Me (through teeth that are gritted a teeny weeny bit) “Oh darling, there isn’t a bus that takes me to the place where my very important appointment is. And it is all a bit tricky as will need to take the babies to lovely nursery first. Tricky tricky…”

HH “its fine you can get the number bla bla bla bus to so and so street and then the bla to bla bla.”

Me “Hmmmmhmm…”

HH “you aren’t even listening to my solution”

Me “I was just wondering, inside my head, maybe if perhaps you could possibly get the (sodding ruddy) bus (for once) this time (you knob)

HH “I would happily get the bus my love, but I can’t get to work or University on time if I do that.”

Me (so bloody what) “Right. Ok. Fine. Bye. See you in 3 days, I will probably be even more mental by then because I won’t be able to leave the house or get anywhere or do anything ever. See you later.”

HH (withering look) “Bye, love you”

Me (Looks in opposite direction and does not say love you*. That will teach him).

In reality, I was being a teeny weeny bit of a brat. This is because I actually can get the bus to most of the places from the bus stop that is literally outside my house. It is just super annoying relying on them as they often do not turn up or are massively busy. This can be awkward as my babies, who at all other times can be found attached to my lap whenever possible, will not sit on my lap on the bus. No, they like to take up 2 actual seats to themselves. This also means that as a trade-off, I will stand and wibble wobble around the aisle for the entirety of the journey.

I am not very good at being restricted by time. This is because I have babies. It is handy to have a lovely car that does not follow a timetable. (Not that the buses appear to either)…anyway, I was in a big massive mood about the whole thing. But I feel much better now for the following reasons;

1 – HH later said I had a fair point. Which is almost the same as saying I was right.

2 – The bus was on time, not busy and the babies got to sit in their most favourite seats. This almost made it worth it.

3 – The babies are super ace and little things make them so happy

4 – I have had a big massive coffee. And I might have another one.

5 – I am seeing my best friend the therapist today

I have been thinking a little bit lately, about whether I will actually ever drink any lovely drinks ever again. It was never my intention to become totally-teetotoria, after my year is up. But there is a big part of me that that is a bit scared to ruin what I think has become a good thing. Also, I still absolutely believe I could very easily turn to lovely delicious lovely wine again as an escape, as my crutch. And even I realise that this isn’t massively healthy.

What I would like, is to take this year. Do all of the things I can to stay well, and then wake up next year totally able to socially drink one or two glasses followed by a sensible glass of actual water whilst watching the 10pm news. This is unlikely to happen for the following reasons;

1 – I still do not know my limits

2 – I will probably never know my limits

3 – I do not like to watch the news before bed

It is only February though. So loads could happen yet that I have no idea about.  Isn’t that super exciting?

As a side note, I went with the biggest little sister to see the littlest little sister play Adelaide in “Guys and Dolls” at her school last night. She was actually awesome, Really super awesome, and her singing was ace. Maybe one day she will be really famous and will buy me my very own car. And HH won’t ever be able to use it. Ha.

As another side note, today is the biggest little sister’s birthday. Happy Birthday biggest little sister!

The biggest little sister is a total babe. Not only is she super-hot to look at, but she has a nice heart which is mega happy and filled with lots of love and brilliant things. I think this is ace. I hope she has a wonderful day because she absolutely deserves it.

Today I am grateful for the following**;

1 – Coffee shops with plug sockets

2 – Making space to reconnect

3 – Time

Toria x

*I’ve decided I don’t like the idea of you leaving the house on an argument, even if it was a passive aggressive one, and even if I did text you apologising for being a dick afterwards (don’t tell anyone).so…I love you too. Ok.

**It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

Lots of Days

Because I have not written in a while, I have decided to provide you all with a fun and exciting breakdown of my week. For this I will mostly use an excel spreadsheet of my thoughts. You can click on this fancy pants little link if you would like.

You are welcome.

my-little-week

Day 48

This was a special day for me because it was my first real night out without drinking lovely drinks. Even though I was expecting it to be awful, it was actually pretty fun. Getting ready was a teeny weeny bit of a different story because A) babies in the house, and B) no lovely getting ready drinks. This is how it went down (my piercing is keeping me so street) in my own words in my head.

5.36 pm – Right. HH is home. Littlest little sister is home. Babies’ feral but can’t have it all. Will have a lovely relaxing shower before I transform myself into total babe.

5.37 pm – What the actual ruddy hell is the boy baby crying for. I wonder if HH is going to do anything about it. Is HH even aware of the crying? Surely the littlest little sister will….Oh for goodness sake. I am relaxing in a lovely shower. None of this is my problem. Must force myself to relax.

5.38 pm – Boy baby is sat on bathroom floor wailing because girl baby looked at him with her eyes. It’s totally ok though, because I am ace at being mindful so I will concentrate only on the sounds of the falling water.

5.39 pm – He is really sodding loud though.

5.41 pm – Excellent, Have hollered downstairs at HH to get the boy baby a jammy biscuit so that he can eat his feelings. The boy baby is happy about this.

5.42 pm – do you know what would be really useful in the shower? A clock. I have no concept of time. How long have I been in here? Has my nourishing conditioner been on for exactly 2 minutes yet? It must have been. I have managed to rearrange all of the shampoo bottles and scrub my face with some gritty stuff.

5.43 pm – How long is defined as a long relaxing shower? Humph, if I had a clock in here I would at least know how long I had been relaxing for. I probably might just get out. That will give me lots of lovely time to do my makeup.

5.44 pm – both babies waiting for me in the bedroom. How lovely.

5.45 pm – Where the actual sodding sod is HH?

5.46 pm – Have told the babies to find Daddy because he has sweets for them. I know this is a low blow, but I am trying to have a relaxing time.

5.47 pm – What is missing is a lovely big glass of getting ready wine. I’m not even sure I can face getting ready without getting ready wine. I hate everything.

5.55 pm – I am going to spend at least an hour doing my makeup. I am going to use all of the makeup that I own (not eyeliner).

6.05 pm – Done. Phew.

6.05 pm – How in the actual hell is it only 6.05pm? I have just used all of the makeup that I own (not eyeliner). I am as attractive as I am ever going to be. There is no more that I can do.

6.07 pm – I do love my lovely new lipstick. Both babies have some on. Actually quite suits the boy one. I love those little weirdos.

6.09 pm – Ruddy babies. I would like to dry my hair without someone crying. Unless it is me. Why, if they are so offended by the noise, do they not just LEAVE THE RUDDY ROOM?

6.10 pm – Where the actual sodding sod is HH?

6.12 pm – Where the actual sodding sod is HH?

6.13 pm – I am going to divorce HH.

6.14 pm – HH has taken babies downstairs. Will continue drying my hair and then I am going to use all of the products that I own to make it super shiny.

6.15 pm – I wish I had super long hair.

6.16 pm – so glad I am blonde again though.

6.17 pm – Babies should be putting on their pyjamas. There are no sounds downstairs that imply anyone is putting on any pyjamas.

6.19 pm – Just keep out of it though. You will be out at a lovely restaurant soon and if no one is in bed that is not your problem.

6.22 pm – will just pass some pyjamas down to HH and offer gentle words of advice and encouragement.

6.23 pm – HH Put their sodding pyjamas on or they will never go to sodding bed and everything will be awful.

There.

6.25 pm – Girl baby is crying because boy baby looked at her with his eyes.

6.31 pm – Girl baby asking 387 questions about hair. I don’t know enough things about hair. I really wish I could drink some lovely wine.

6.42 pm – Oh that will do.

6.44 pm – Ohhhh earrings

6.45 pm – No girl baby, you cannot get your ears pierced.

6.46 pm – Because you are 4

6.47 pm –Because I say it is too young.

6.48 pm – I do not care that other people have their ears pierced, and also out of interest. When did you become a teenager?

6.50 pm – Girl baby has left. She is furious with me and is going to tell Daddy. Good.

6.51 pm – Babies and HH are upstairs because it is story time. Is all fine, just need to find a bag that is not full of old food and am ready to go.

6.53 pm – I would be so much more in the mood to go out and not drink any lovely drinks if I was having a nice lovely drink in preparation.

7.02 pm – Will just sit with girl baby for a bit whilst she falls asleep. I love her.

7.10 pm – I wish she would go to sleep now though.

7.11 pm – Are boy baby and HH actually playing actual Spiderman shark mermaids in his bedroom?

7.12 pm I am furious. No. no I am not because soon I will be in an actual restaurant. And the girl baby is asleep so will go downstairs and have a relaxing sit down before I need to go.

7.31 pm – HH has come downstairs to inform us that the boy baby will not settle down. I cannot sodding well imagine why this may be you massive knob.

7.32 pm – Will sit with boy baby for one minute to encourage calm. I love him.

7.43 pm – No boy baby, you cannot muscle me. Ruddy Spiderman. It is bedtime.

7.57 pm – Am out of house! Am out of actual house. Am sure it will be fine that we are now running late for our table at nice restaurant that is always fully booked. Will be totally fine.

The End

Day 52 (Today)

I have some time off work this week. This is super exciting as it means I can try and get on top of all the stuff that I haven’t been able to get on top of whilst I have not been feeling too great. The only teeny weeny problem with that is that I am still not feeling too great.

I think I am going to go back to the doctors, just to be on the safe side, and tomorrow I will go and tell my best friend the therapist all of the things.

Because I have a tip top social calendar, I am actually out again this evening. Myself and the biggest little sister are off to watch the littlest little sister in her school show. I am super proud of her as she has the actual lead role and has to sing solos and stuff. It’s a pretty big deal and she’s spent loads of time rehearsing. Also, her boyfriend is the boy lead role so it’s like a real life love story.

HH is on bedtime duty for the second night in a row so I think I will leave him some cheer up trifle as a little treat.

This week I have been grateful for the following*;

1 – All of the lovely birthday messages

2- All of the lovely birthday cards

3 – All of the lovely birthday gifts

4 – All of the lovely birthday outings

5 – All of the lovely birthday cake

6 – Flowers from HH. Discount and all

7 – My super cool crazy babies singing me happy birthday

8 – The wonderful people in my life

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.

A little something else

I am not a person that will suffer with depression. This is because I am a coper. I am someone who copes and gets on with things and does not say that things are hard because things are hard for everyone. I am not unmotivated and exhausted because I am depressed. I am unmotivated and exhausted because I am lazy. And fat. And disgusting. And a waste of all of the space. And worthless. I do not prioritise basic self care such as showering or brushing my hair, not because I am depressed. But because I am a mother now and I should come last after everyone else, This is motherhood. I am not so depressed sometimes that I cant see or hear or think. I cant see or hear or think because I am so stupid and can’t multi task and I need to pull myself together because I am a mother now.

I never feel like I am a good enough mother, or a good enough wife, or a good enough friend, or a good enough daughter, or a good enough sister, or a good enough employee, or just a good enough human. This has nothing to do with suffering from  a depression that cripples your sense of self and worth. I feel this way because all of this is true, I am not good enough at anything so I need to try harder. I will absolutely try harder tomorrow. But I will probably fail because I am utterly useless.

I want to run away from my babies sometimes. The weight of responsibility to do it right and be the best mother for them is too much. This is because I am a complete waste of space and a terrible person. A terrible mother. This is not because I have depression, and because I have put so much pressure on myself to get this right for them, that it is making me ill.

I don’t stand in my home surrounded by chaos and mess, unable to do anything about it because I feel completely paralysed by my own brain. I do nothing about it because I am lazy and deserve to live in chaos. I don’t constantly think about how I could and should do all of the things better because my anxiety makes me over-analyse absolutely everything. I think about doing all of the things better because I need too. Because I am actually doing everything badly.

I can’t have depression because I don’t really believe in it.

I have judged those that suffer with depression and anxiety because they are weak. They do not know how to cope and they chose to feel miserable.

They chose to feel that way. It’s a choice.

Except; what person would chose to feel that way? Some people are so desperately ill inside of their own actual heads that they only way to feel better is to no longer exist. This is not a choice. Some people will never get the help they need because they don’t believe in depression, or anxiety, or that the way they feel is not normal. And that actually, people who are well, do not feel that way.

I never really understood depression. I sympathised greatly with those who I knew genuinely suffered but have been sceptical of others. I am ashamed about that. I have judged and discussed and analysed other peoples mental health as an outsider. As someone who would never suffer with depression, because I choose not too. I choose to cope, I choose strength, I totally choose to be normal and like all other mentally stable people because being depressed must be so damn embarrassing.

What a total utter asshole.

I had no idea what my brain had in store for me, or that I would become the person I had once believed had chosen to live in darkness.

Accepting that I am ill has taken me a long time. Being able to talk about it has taken even longer. And feeling unashamed or blameless is still a work in progress. But my goodness, my heart is open to anyone who has, does or ever will feel this way. There will be no judgements from me. But I will buy you a massive coffee, and I will tell you you are not alone.

Day 46

I always knew that one day everyone would realise that I am a total cool cat. Down with the kids. Totes street. Today is that day. This is because today I got an actual piercing at the top of my ear.

I have been harping on about doing lots of new things this year, to try and take my mind off not drinking any of the lovely drinks. And also to take my mind off the fact I’m super mental. Aside from the tattoo (which is still on the cards fyi), the other thing I wanted to do was get something else pierced. Only on my ear though, because even I know my limits when it comes to being cool. I may have talked a lot about possibly doing it sometime soon, because when I got to work this morning 2 of my most fave friends told me they were taking me to get punctured (their words) at lunch time as my birthday present. How awesome are they?

In order to get a piercing, we needed to go into what I like to call “A really cool but scary sop where I absolutely do not fit in”. It was ok though, because my two lovely friends know all about cool stuff so I managed to blend in alongside them. This is because I am both stealthy and adaptable.

An awesome lady named Olive (I love that name, stupid HH vetoed it when we had the babies) pierced my ear, and she was super fast. I didn’t even realise what had happened until I left the shop armed with tea tree oil and salt. It was in no way less down with the kids just because she had to check my glasses wouldn’t catch on the piercing first. Oh no. The world was my actual oyster because I was a cool confident woman who had artistically expressed myself with a piercing. Even HH loves having such a cool wife, I can tell.

HH is at work tonight but I have the lovely company of my littlest little sister who is staying with us whilst the parents are away. She mostly snapchats stuff, but sometimes she will talk to me which is nice.

I’m feeling a little better today after seeing my best friend the therapist yesterday. I told her absolutely all of the reasons why I felt I was becoming super mental again, and she told me all of the things I have done that I should be proud of. I love therapy.

She has also been talking to me for a while about introducing a new way of working together. I was a teeny weeny bit surprised at this because I know she totally loves hearing me obsess about all of the things for an hour, often without stopping for breath. But I know she really wants to help me so I am happy to do whatever she says. The new way of working has a long and complicated name that I don’t understand but it is all to do with eye movements. We had a little practice yesterday and it turns out, I am ace at all therapies. For this one, I have to use my eyes and follow my best friend the therapists fingers as she waves them about a bit. I didn’t let them out of my sight even once, so I’m certain that I will be cured really soon.

Today I am grateful for the following*;

1 – Lovely early birthday gifts

2 – Fast dry nail varnish drops

3 – A cosy bed

Toria x

*It is a given that I am absolutely always grateful for all of the coffee.